Remember how I said everything in my life is a lesson?? Well,I got schooled by my own principle today and the shock was well worth it. I’ve never been more pleasantly surprised. OK so this morning I’m on an unexpected errand where I had to go get milk. Sounds easy enough but trust me, the hard knocks is all my life is made up of. This basically involves walking miles to a farmland with animals, through overgrown grassland harbouring wild snakes, and hoards of aimless jobless humans beings milling around not to forget this cold is nothing I’ve felt in forever. Nope. Not on me devil, and not today so to the bus stop I go. I get on the first bus that comes by and take a seat right at the door.
Now the normal route it takes is under construction so we take the diversion. Soon as the bus starts moving though,the kange reaches out his palm in a handshakey gesture. Now before I go on, kanges on this route are neanderthals both in behaviour and appearance. Any Kenyan woman can attest to this. Harassment and cat calling are just the tip of their purview to say the least. Some of them however go a notch worse and treat water like you would acid or the burning molten embers of the lake of sulfur. This was one of them. This dude was filthy. From his teeth,hair to his clothes,his fingernails and lord did he stink!! I mean,taking a clean breath was just torture. He smelled like caked dirt that’s been ruminating inside a cow’s intestines for weeks and then left out in the sun to dry. What could I do though? The diversion is this terrible rough road so the thought of moving would have been disaster on myself. Chances of being thrown clean out the window were an actual reality.
Digressing, he gives me his hand and I take it. I know,I’m disgusting but looking like he did and being the only female in the vehicle, I wasn’t taking any uncalculated gambles. So between that and my killer smile, I had opened the door. Dude came and sat right next to me. Now I’m stuck there frozen in place with this fake joker-looking smile plastered on my face trying to breathe normally and simultaneously ignore his presence but he would not be swayed. He was so high-off what I couldn’t be sure-he was basically vibrating. He kept dancing and singing along to this all female old school mix that was playing. The bus I had happened on was one of those with a big screen inside and just my luck,I couldn’t enjoy it.
So here he is in my personal space and since ignoring him isn’t working,I give in and pay attention to his shenanigans. Seeing this I kid you not,in the middle of his musical trance his features just lit up. Then he started talking,making proper conversation. It went something very similar,almost verbatim..
Dude: ladies hmm (points to the screen still squirming around in the seat in a dance simulation) these were the days
Me: (nods conversationally,insert small noiseless giggles)
Dude: unajua hawa ndo walikuwa wanawake.achana na hawa akina sijui Alaine pfft.HAWA ndo walikuwa maartists wa nguvu
Me: (watching him now thoroughly fascinated and entertained)
Dude: unacheki nyinyi ladies si same na watu ka sisi.ndo me husema,ukideal na mwanamke unastahili kuwa gentleman,unashuka down unacheki?
Me: mmhmm.. (nodding agreeably)
Dude: unacheki hata budangu kule nimelelewa (dance pause) btw weh ni ghetto ka mimi ama ni barb..apana weh ni ghetto
Me: (nodding vigorously)
Dude: eeee..cheki,akiongea na matha alikuwa anajishusha down down.unajua you ladies are soft and gentle. Siwezi kutreat vile ntatreat ndume ka Mimi Si ndio??
Me: (smiling like a crazy person now) ukweli
Dude: eeee.. (jumps out of the seat and out of the bus still dancing to collect more passengers)
At this point I’m beyond stupefied. I have no idea what life is anymore because I just got schooled on some other level I can only smile and grin like a fool. I look around to check whether the earth is still spinning on it’s axis because frankly my entire world just got rocked so early in my day. Nothing. Everything is going on as it was. The bus is at a standstill waiting for more passengers and I hear his loud mouth calling out from somewhere. The other passengers are oblivious and carrying on as they were and here I am,expecting to find everybody staring at me,mouths agape like I am doing myself. But nothing.
Bus starts moving again. He comes right back, grinning for all the world to enjoy
Dude: so madam eh? Ujue tunawajali.hata ukiniona hivi,ladies ni watu special sana poa poa??
Me: (smiling sheepishly) sawa
At this point I just can’t hold it in anymore and just as I go to burst out,the bus stops at the end of the diversion so we have to alight. I think we’re done but fool me. My experience isn’t quite over yet. He goes out to direct the driver who’s maneuvering the vehicle to turn 180° around. When it comes to a stop the guy comes right back to where I am,holds my hand and helps me down. Then he kisses my hand as I turn to walk away and at this point I’m just out of any control I was holding onto. I burst out laughing so hard. He just looks at me and laughs with me. I walk away forever changed somehow. Oh and he said we are friends,even after I disagreed he insisted we are friends now so fare was not necessary. And I truly did try to pay the man.